Soon You Will All Be My Slaves

It’s no big secret that I have aspirations of world domination. It’s obvious the moment you look at me. I’m just “that guy”. But I’ll admit that my brainstorming sessions had been more or less fruitless, as evidenced by the fact that I’m not currently on all your money. I think my luck may have just changed though, because I came across this story about a new aerosol oxytocin spray. For those of you who have social lives and hobbies that prevent you from knowing what oxytocin is, it’s a naturally-occuring pheramone affectionately called “the cuddle chemical” because it produces feelings of closeness and love. It’s used a lot, but one of the most important applications is that it is excreted during breastfeeding to emotionally bond child to mother.

But not anymore. Scientists at Zurich University are working on the previously-mentioned spray to help people with social anxiety trust (and by unavoidable circumstance love) strangers. The slogan could be “one sniff and you’re a sucker”. But just think about all the evil mischief a guy like me could get into with that. People would be following me around like the Pied Piper of Hamlin, swooning and giggling and perhaps trying to suckle. Hey, every plan has its downsides.

Even if I don’t follow through on my plan (I never finish any thing I star——), there might be some unexpected benefits. “Oxytocin” kind of looks like “oxycontin”, so we might wind up with some gentler and friendlier drug addicts.