Iow-hat?

Well, the Iowa Primary is over, and that means one very important thing for our country: we can go back to not paying attention to Iowa. I mean, politicians get blasted all the time for being phony when they’re campaigning, like pretending to do blue-collar work or attending religious services to make us believe they go golfing with God on weekends (but not on the Sabbath, of course), but this whole primary thing takes the cake.

It is downright offensive for them to try to convince us they give half a crap about Iowa.

I’m an open-minded and caring guy. I care about the poor, the rainforests, and fighting against animal cruelty (don’t declaw Hillary!). But even I have my limits. The only thing Iowa produces is corn and crushing disappointment.

Have you ever even been to Iowa? Me neither.

It isn’t even really about Iowa, per se. The simple truth is that all states are not created equal. If they were, they’d probably all be the same shape instead of the whacky shapes that give them their character. Look at Louisiana. It’s shapped like a shoe, shoes ironically being something so many of the state’s residents lack. Michigan looks like a single rhinestone glove, inappropriately touching Canada. Idaho looks like an elephant sitting down, and although this makes no sense, at least they tried. Plus, we expect so little from Idaho. All we want is for it to be happy and to hide it away from visiting diplomats.

So what shape is Iowa? A square. Real creative, must’ve been up all night designing that baby. But it matches its character. Iowians are squares. We’re just letting them sit at the cool table because they’re doing our homework for us. And in November, or after school if you prefer, we’re going to pants them in front of the flagpole.