Not Quite Newsworthy by Jeremy Frank

It’s no big secret that I have aspirations of world domination. It’s obvious the moment you look at me. I’m just “that guy”. But I’ll admit that my brainstorming sessions had been more or less fruitless, as evidenced by the fact that I’m not currently on all your money. I think my luck may have just changed though, because I came across this story about a new aerosol oxytocin spray.

Everyone knows the markets are volitaile. Every week, Bernanke looks more and more like a man desperately trying to administer CPR to a dead prostitute. Everyone chooses their words carefully, taking great pains to avoid the dreaded “r”-word. Personally, I believe Bernanke. The fact that I could probably see myself in his shiny head tells me the man has seen more than his fair share of recessions, though most of them appear to have been to his hairline.

There’s always so much debate whenever President Bush appoints a judge or ambassador. Every pick is contraversial for one reason or another. Maybe the supported a federal abortion ban back in college, maybe they have wild and uncontrollable flatulance, who knows. The point is we’ve seen partisan politics bring our government to a grinding halt.

As is always the case, the Japanese have solved another one of our problems. 

I used to poke fun at the American education system. Then I went to Ireland.

It’s now my fourth or so day in Ireland, and I’m going to lay out a few things I’ve noticed for anyone who is interested in visiting:

1) It’s cold and windy

2) The birds are huge

3) My internet connection still doesn’t work (hence why it’s taken me so long to update the blog)

4) Rugby may be the coolest sport ever. After X-TREME Curling, of course. And Power Jacks. Actually, that may just be some sort of breakfast cereal I just came up with. Haven’t decided.

With the sad, grisly news of actor Heath Ledger’s demise, it is my sad duty to report that I HAVE JUST GOTTEN STATISTICALLY HOTTER! I know it sounds callous and, heck, evil, but sometimes you have to look at the lighter side. The less pretty people there are, the better the rest of us look better by comparison. It’s like that old adage says, “A sinking tides makes the gunk at the bottom more prominent.”

[Author’s note]

I’m a big fan of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I finally got around to watching the new episodes last night, and for each show I wound up shutting it off after 5 minutes. They were awful.

Well, the Iowa Primary is over, and that means one very important thing for our country: we can go back to not paying attention to Iowa. I mean, politicians get blasted all the time for being phony when they’re campaigning, like pretending to do blue-collar work or attending religious services to make us believe they go golfing with God on weekends (but not on the Sabbath, of course), but this whole primary thing takes the cake.

It is downright offensive for them to try to convince us they give half a crap about Iowa.

Well, it’s that time of year again. It has lots of different names: Hispanics call it Navidad, Norweigians call it Yule, and the politically-correct call it X-Mas. Scientologists combine the last two and somehow wind up with “Zuul”, the spirit from the original Ghostbusters movie. This is why we don’t talk about them.

No matter what you call it, it means the same thing: presents or parents who I don’t love anymore and who are going in a home.

It seems to be common: you get yourself stuffed with food during Thanksgiving, allowing yourself to be soft and vulnerable. Then you step back on campus and BAM! You have a thousand papers due. It’s some crazy variation on ‘fatting you up so they can eat you’. They’re fattening us up so they can make us work. If that makes sense. I know I’ve got it pretty bad. Who’s got the worst horror story?